My daughter's self esteem has suffered a huge hit since my husband has been incarcerated. I believe it's due in part to his absence, but also me being hard on her. I used to demand excellence and for her to be the best. I have since recognized the damage I've caused and each day try to rebuild her weakened esteem. As a result of her difficulties, she's been prey to bullies. Most of the time it's because she wants to be everyone's friend and doesn't feel good enough about herself to stand up for herself. It breaks my heart to think of another child mistreating my daughter. It's even more difficult knowing that if she only felt better about herself, she wouldn't stand for the mistreatment.
So image my surprise when I received an email from her teacher saying that she received an email from another parent about some bullying on the playground. She was told by this parent that my daughter has been bullying her child on the playground. That my daughter has been picking at this child and making her feel very uncomfortable. Her teacher went on to say that she talked with both children, and the other child was clearly very upset and in tears.
Then yesterday, the teacher moved my daughter's seat to the back of the room, because she was making faces at that same child. She said she spoke to my daughter about that as well. Then, after lunch, she was in the bathroom with her arms wrapped around another student and twirling her into the wall. Again, she said she spoke to my daughter and decided I needed to email you. Then she asked if I have you been noticing anything like this at home?
Lord forgive me, buy my first thought was "Yes, no one is going to push her around anymore or pick on her!". As I began to think about it more, I began to hope that the cycle wasn't continuing and the bullied had not become the bully.
As soon as I got home that evening, my daughter spilled the beans. We spoke at length regarding the events that had transpired. I did not think she would or could intentionally bully another child, as she’s felt the pain of being bullied. But I put aside my personal feelings in order to objectively figure out what happened.
There were definitely some inconsistencies between her teacher's depiction of what happened and what my daughter told me. Her teacher said she was picking on another girl, making her feel uncomfortable. This implies that this has been an ongoing occurrence, yet according to my daughter, there was one situation that occurred the previous week. I was curious to know how long my daughter had reportedly been picking on the girl. Also, what had my daughter supposedly done to the girl?
According to my daughter, last Monday some of the girls were doing a gospel dance on the playground. The girl said it was against her religion, so she couldn't participate. She wanted to play a game, while my daughter wanted to continue dancing, resulting in a difference between what the girls wanted to do. The girl then ran off, upset. My daughter said she went over to her and asked if she was OK and said they could play her game. That's not bullying. I wish teacher's didn't use labels which can harm a child’s reputation and follow them throughout their school years. Coincidentally (or perhaps not) the school's Bullying Policy defines bullying as a repeated behavior that intentionally hurts another person. By this definition, my child wasn't bullying the girl. Bullies aren’t concerned with their victims feelings and don’t try to compromise and keep the peace. This also was not an ongoing occurrence.
It occurred to me that the incidents that happened yesterday in the classroom and the bathroom were viewed by a teacher feeling like a student was a bully. While my daughter was totally out of line for crossing her eyes at the girl (especially during instruction time, which is a huge no-no), she was being silly and inappropriate, not menacing or threatening. Therefore, moving her to the back of the classroom was extreme.
The second incident in the bathroom was nothing more than my daughter hugging her friend, and twirling her around. In her email, my daughter's teacher suggested that my daughter banged the girl into the wall. Conversely, my daughter said there were other girls in the bathroom that were banging on the wall. Did her teacher see her twirling the girl into the wall? Did the girl appear hurt or upset by my daughter’s actions? I felt that she was being painted a physical menace, when this depiction is far from who she is and is more in line with her being characterized as a bully.
At this point, I have so many questions and am in need of some answers. I decided not to respond to the teach via email, and instead meet with her in person. Wish me luck and stay tuned for what happens at our conference.
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